


Everything I Wanted

by latarde



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Comfort Mechanism, F/F, Haseul and Sooyoung are Sisters, Hurt, Insecurity, Jungeun doesn't exist... Just read it!, Lowercase, Mental Breakdown, References to Depression, References to Illness, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23487316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/latarde/pseuds/latarde
Summary: Jungeun is everything that Haseul has ever wanted to be.
Relationships: Jo Haseul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	Everything I Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> please don't think i'm romanticizing mental illness! if you do feel like i am.. please let me know and i'll bring this down. thank you guys and please enjoy this. ♡︎

“Do you want me to walk you home?” 

It was midnight now and unlike earlier, the young woman was finally feeling at peace. Jo Haseul currently sat in the town’s empty square and she’s smoking a cigarette to ease her mind. She’s smoking away the anxiety in her bones and she’s accompanied by the beautiful Jungeun. She wore a leather jacket and her entire body leaned towards the other, who brought the question into play.

Jungeun and Haseul were extremely close friends. At least in Haseul’s eyes. They had known each other since the latter turned fifteen. Haseul knew where Jungeun came from and why she was coming around, but she was shoving that thought in the back of her head. Nobody comforts her better than the blonde. 

Jungeun was the polar opposite of Haseul. Jungeun was confident in her words, she would always laugh at Haseul’s jokes and she was always kind. Haseul on the other hand, was a jumble of nerves and she didn’t have friends. She was a twenty-three year old freelance writer that only went outside to buy cigarette cartons and to buy groceries. (And at times, she didn’t even have to do that. Her older sister, who happened to live with her, would take control of their living situation.)

“Don’t you always walk me home?” She questions, pulling the cigarette between her lips and she’s taking a drag of it. She’s smiling gently and Jungeun rolls her eyes. 

“I try to. Yeah. I haven’t in a while though.” 

Haseul’s smile drops and she knows that Jungeun doesn’t mean harm. Yet it still feels like a jab. 

“Don’t feel bad, I understand.” She says, dropping her hand on the other’s. Jungeun tries to give her a comforting smile and Haseul doesn’t enjoy the cigarette anymore. She drops the lit up bud and twists her boot over it. She hated how the only person that understood her the most couldn’t even stand by her side without bad things coming out of it. 

The reason why Haseul was even out this late was because she couldn’t catch a drop of sleep. She had been shuffling in her sheets for hours on end and she knows what she needs to do. Haseul knows that the pills inside the container would make her feel better, but she doesn’t want to do that. She’s tired of falling into routine. So instead of following the doctor’s orders -- she’s grabbing her leather jacket, her pack of cigarettes and she’s on her way out. 

She’s trying her best to be careful to not wake up Sooyoung, but her plan crumbles since the other is watching television while typing on her computer furiously. She looks up from her laptop and she’s confused as to why the other is awake. 

“Hey, why aren’t you asleep?” She questions and Haseul shakes the carton with a shrug. 

“I need to smoke. I feel too anxious.” She speaks with honesty. At least, half honesty -- She really did want to smoke before heading to bed. But she also wanted to see Jungeun. 

Sooyoung was opening her mouth and before the question left her mouth, Haseul was waving goodbye to her sister and leaving their shared apartment without a second thought. She really didn’t want to hear anything that Sooyoung was going to say. She knew that she was going to start with the fact that she smoked too much, then go onto how she shouldn’t go out this late and then finish with the medicine question. It was always the same routine. And if Haseul was honest, she had heard it all before and she was absolutely exhausted from the same banter.

Haseul and Sooyoung had lived in this tiny town since they were babies. They lived five minutes away from their parents and everybody in this dumb town knew each other. They had all gone to the same elementary, middle and high school together. She also heard Sooyoung complain about having to go to college with the same kids. Haseul skipped out on that experience. 

On the way to the square, she would fiddle with her keys and huddle into her jacket. Once she got there and saw the familiar blonde hair, her nerves had instantly died out. 

“Isn’t somebody waiting for you at your house?” Haseul jokes and Jungeun nudges her shoulder with a bright smile. It was a coping mechanism, they both knew -- Well. Haseul knew. 

Jungeun laughs and it sends shivers down Haseul’s spine. “You’re a dick, Jo Haseul. Let’s walk you home.” She says, standing from the bench and she leaves Haseul’s hand aching for more. “I don’t want Sooyoung worrying about you.” 

Haseul rolls her eyes and tries her best to wave the girl off. “Don’t even worry about her. She’s probably knocked out.” 

Jungeun on the other hand, reaches for her hand and she’s trying her best to guide Haseul home. The smoker groans and she’s finally on her two feet. Soon, they’re abandoning the town square and they’re walking side by side. Their shoulders are brushing together and they’re both looking at the night sky -- At least, Jungeun is. Her eyes glister and Haseul smiles gently. She enjoyed being with the other girl. She felt at absolute peace. 

“Why are you staring at me?” She questions but her eyes never once leave the sight of the stars. Haseul jumps at her words, absolutely surprised that she got caught staring at her. 

There’s no way in hell that Haseul is going to admit that she’s staring at her because she’s comfort in a being. Instead, she turns the conversation towards the other. “I’m just wondering how you’re not cold in that summer dress.” 

“I’m used to the cold.” Those are the words that Haseul wants to hear, but it’s not what she hears. Instead Jungeun gives her a saddened smile and says, “Because I’m not real.” 

“You’re real to me.” Haseul argues, shoving her hands in her pockets and Jungeun only smiles sadly. Jungeun isn’t real. She’s a figment of Haseul’s mind. But she wasn’t going to argue with her. Especially since the other was finally getting tired. She could feel that. 

They’re finally in-front of the gates to the apartment complex and Haseul turns to her pretty friend. “Well, you know this is me.” She informs her and the brunette gives a wave to the security guard, who she doesn’t catch squinting to see who she’s talking to. “Thank you for accompanying me.” 

“It’s no problem, you know that I have nowhere to go.” Jungeun replies without a second thought. 

There’s silence between them and soon Haseul is opening her mouth to ask. 

“Can we meet up tomorrow?” 

Jungeun furrows her eyebrows and she’s not pleased with the question. “You’re not going to take your medicine?”

Haseul shakes her head. “Don’t need them.”

“Haseul…”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jungeun!” Haseul says, with a bright smile and she’s waving to the other goodbye. As Haseul makes her way inside, Jungeun frowns. 

_**“Sooyoung?” The deep voice of the guard peaks through.** _

As Haseul gets ready for her meet up with Jungeun the next day, Sooyoung knocks on her door. The youngest twin gives her a small smile through the mirror but it doesn’t match the aura that she’s holding tight. Sooyoung’s absolutely serious and if she’s honest, it worries Haseul. 

“Are you going out?” Sooyoung asks, taking a step and she sits on her bed. If Haseul was as crabby as she was when she hadn’t smoked, she would’ve cracked a sarcastic comment - but instead, she only nods at the question. She fixes the plaid skirt with her hands and turns to face her sister with a small smile. She wants to ask her for advice on how she looks, but she doesn’t want to change whatever subject Sooyoung is coming with. 

“Yeah, I’m meeting up with some friends.” 

Sooyoung’s eyes scan the bedside and her eyes note how the medicine hasn’t been touched in a while. She won’t touch that topic yet. 

“Vivi’s in town?” She asks, her tone enlightened and Haseul feels guilty for lying to her. Vivi wasn’t coming to town. If she was honest, she barely spoke to Vivi these days. 

“Yeah.” Haseul lies, “She’s taking a break from the whole acting thing and coming to see us for a few days. Isn’t that cool?” 

“It would be… But considering she’s filming a drama right now, I don’t think she’s coming down to town.” Sooyoung says, catching her in her lie and she’s twisting to look over at Haseul. She feels betrayed by the lie, but she knows that it isn’t her fault. “Why aren’t you taking your meds? And why are you lying to me, Haseul?”

“W-What?” She asks, panicked. 

Sooyoung only reaches for the medicine between her pens and shakes the prescription. “You’re not drinking them and you’re lying to me.” 

Haseul frowns at her words. She doesn’t want to talk about this right now, especially since she knows that she’s going to see Jungeun. “Sooyoung -- I don’t think that’s any of your business… Can’t we talk about this later?” 

“No, we can’t.” She stands up, firmly and Haseul feels small. “It’s my business, Haseul. The guard called me last night saying how you were talking by yourself again last night. How he didn’t want to scare me but he had been seeing you talking to nobody for the past few days. You’re seeing her again, aren’t you?”

Haseul wants to explode at her sister. She really does. But she knows that Sooyoung only worries. At the age of fifteen, the young girl had gone through horrible insecurities and eventually; they turned into serious issues. Serious issues that turned into Jungeun. The person she wished she was, the person she wished she had and the person she wishes could be real. A coping mechanism. 

“You need to drink your meds, Haseul. You need them.” Sooyoung says and Haseul’s shaking her head. She doesn’t want them. She doesn’t need them. She’s fine. She’s perfectly fine. She doesn’t need those meds to function, she doesn’t need them to feel real. 

“I don’t need them.” She forces out her mouth but it doesn’t convince anybody. It doesn’t even convince herself. “Look at me! I got dressed today! I ate breakfast today--” 

“Yet you haven’t stopped smoking. You might’ve eaten today but you haven’t eaten anything concrete in the whole week. You are not doing okay, Haseul.” Sooyoung says and they’re meeting eye to eye. They would never get physical, but they would always argue like this. Especially when it came to Haseul’s mental state. Sooyoung hated seeing her sister so torn. 

“Sooyoung, I have to go. Jungeun is waiting for me.” Haseul excuses herself, grabbing a random purse and shoving things inside of it. She’s shoving her phone, her keys, gum, everything that she might need for tonight. Her hands are shaking and her head is thumping.

“Jungeun isn’t real!” Sooyoung snaps and Haseul looks back at her, ready to spew insults but she’s taken aback when she catches Jungeun behind her. She’s giving her a sad smile. Haseul hates when she smiles like that. It means that she’s leaving soon. 

“She’s right, you know. I’m not real.” Jungeun speaks from behind her. Sooyoung can’t hear her but that simply breaks Haseul. She drops the purse on the floor and she chokes up. 

“Jungeun, don’t say that. You’re real.” Haseul says and she doesn’t even realize that there’s tears down her face. She doesn’t realize that her cheap mascara has run and she looks like an absolute mess. “You’re real.” She says, reaching for her but she’s met with nothing. 

“There’s nobody here, Haseul.” Sooyoung whispers, trying to make her sister realize and there’s tears in her eyes. She wants her to get better. She wants her to be strong. She wants to be her rock. She wants Haseul to let Jungeun go. 

“Stop!” Haseul sobs out and she’s wiping her face with the back of her hands. “Stop it.”

“Haseul. I’m not real.”

“Stop it!” She screams angrily at Jungeun and Sooyoung can only watch. She watches how she tears her heart open and curls into a small ball on the floor. She’s sobbing and she knows that this is all in her head. Haseul isn’t dumb. She knows that this is happening because she’s not drinking her medicine. And she knows that she needs it. But it’s so frustrating. It’s so frustrating when you depend on medicine to make you function, it’s frustrating that your brain hates you so much that you can’t sleep on your own. Haseul hates it. She hates it so much. She hates herself so much.

“Haseulie.” Sooyoung whispers, this time reaching out for her and she’s resting her head on her lap. Haseul can’t stop crying at how heavy her chest feels and she can’t stop crying at the fact that she has to say goodbye to Jungeun again. “I need you to drink your meds.” 

The shortest of the two wants to disagree but Jungeun is kneeling in front of her. Her smile is heavy and that makes Haseul cry only more. “Please, Haseul.” Jungeun whispers and it takes Haseul a minute to even think. This situation has Sooyoung torn, it has Jungeun torn and most importantly; it has her torn to pieces. It’s time to let go. 

“Okay. I’ll drink the medicine.” She finally agrees, through sniffles and aching eyes. “But I want to stay on the floor and talk with Jungeun until I fall asleep.” 

Sooyoung doesn’t argue with her conditions. She carefully stands and goes to the kitchen to grab some water for her to drink her meds. Haseul feels her head pounding and she reaches to touch Jungeun. Jungeun only brushes the other’s knuckles. 

It doesn’t take Sooyoung long to come back and she’s handing the medicine to her sister. She also grabs the pillow and the blanket from the bed, tucking her into bed like she would as kids. Haseul doesn’t think twice when she drinks the bright blue pill. She doesn’t want Sooyoung to have to deal with her like this. 

Haseul hands her the empty glass and she opens her mouth, just like she would in the hospital. Sooyoung seems relieved now. Her shoulders are relaxed and she’s planting a kiss on Haseul’s forehead. She’s thankful. 

“If you need me, please call me okay? I’m going to be in the kitchen.” 

Haseul nods and Sooyoung kisses her again. 

“I love you so much.” 

“And I love you.”

Sooyoung is quick to leave the room, but not before saying these words. 

“Thank you, Jungeun... For everything you've done for her." 

There’s a shut of a door and it’s just Haseul and Jungeun now. 

The first thing Haseul does is start crying. She starts crying until she can’t breathe. She feels Jungeun’s hand rub her back, but she knows it’s all in her head. “Why do you have to go, Jungie?”

The blonde smiles sadly, laying right beside her on the cold floor and she’s caressing her face. “You don’t need me anymore, Haseul.” 

She shakes her head, “I’ll always need you.” 

This time, Jungeun’s the one that cries. Her eyes let tears leak and she’s staring straight at her. “And I’ll always protect you. But it’s time for you to take care of yourself, Haseul. I need you to be strong for me.” 

Haseul’s eyes ache from crying. They hurt so much. “Will you ever come back?”

“I hope not.” Jungeun says, but Haseul knows she means it in the best way possible. That’s what makes Haseul crack a smile. 

“Do you remember when we were kids and we went to that abandoned treehouse?” Haseul says, trying to enjoy the last moments between them. She can feel the medication kicking in, or maybe it’s because she had been crying her eyes out for the past twenty minutes. 

Jungeun smiles, this time it’s genuine. “Everybody thought it was haunted, but it was only you sneaking around and hiding in there.” 

“It was us.” She says, this time she’s the one with the sad smile. Jungeun understands the hate now. 

“And the time we went to the pier?” 

That makes Haseul laugh, it’s a laugh with sniffles but it makes Jungeun smile. 

“I can’t believe that you skinny dipped -- That we, skinny dipped.” Jungeun says and this time, she’s the one that feels like crying. She’s not real yet she feels so in pain. She feels like she’s departing from a lover when in reality, she’s simply letting the medicine to her job. Haseul doesn’t need her as a mechanism and she’s going to get better. A sob leaves her mouth. 

“We had a lot of fun together, didn’t we?” She asks and she’s holding Haseul’s hand tight. Haseul doesn’t have any more tears to cry or maybe it’s because the medicine is kicking in. Her eyelids grow heavy and Jungeun can see it. 

“We did.” Her voice breaks and a final tear leaves her eye. The parting gift. 

“It’s okay to sleep, Haseul. I’ll always be here with you.” Jungeun says, not caring about the tears down her face and instead focuses on her last moments with her. She reaches to fix the girl’s messy hair and she plants a light kiss on her forehead. 

“Promise?” Haseul asks and Jungeun feels so heavy.

“Promise.”

There’s silence and Haseul can’t fight the heaviness anymore. She feels lighter and she knows that this is it. “I love you, Jungeun.” 

“I love you too, Haseul. Don’t smoke so much, okay?” 

“I’ll try, Jungie.”

And that’s the last time she hears about Jungeun. That’s the last time she sees her and feels her presence lingering around her. But it’s certainly not the last time that she thinks about her. Jungeun had been her best friend for almost seven years, she couldn’t forget any of that in a day. She could never forget about her that quickly.


End file.
